Pain

Firstly, life updates. Ash had her child early in this morning...or last night, Im not sure. I'm happy they are healthy. I wish it wasn't his child though. I hope he keeps up his horrible diet and dies faster. Whatever happens with my friendship with her, I hope she is happy. I love her, and I will always believe she deserves better no matter what.

I haven't heard from ForeverPrince in a long time. I think that relationship is officially over. He probably doesn't show anymore because of how things went down. I feel somewhat guilty for what happened, but I don't think I can regret it. I hope that crazy Canadian is doing ok. I do have temptations to reach out back to him, but I know what will happen if I did. Like always, I will get this strange wall and still feel like I'm in the dark. Maybe one day Ill try my best to write out the odd story between us.

My ex last month said he brought back a gift from Japan for me. I hope he knows that I don't want him to think of my anymore. His offering almost makes me angry. I told him I didnt want to be in contact unless needed, but he never wants to let go like that. I just want the bandaid ripped off already.

My relations with my family tends to be distant, but it is alright so far. Especially with my brother who Ive been talking to more recently only because of proximity. Talking with him is nice. He knows a lot of things, but I tend to feel I have more wisdom. I certainly hope I have more wisdom, since Im a lot older.

Sir Bull is still in my life. He might be the most stable person Ive ever met so far....so far.

Ideas for Manifesto

While talking to Bull, I said how I wasn't sure what my values were. It exists and probably strongly, but I believe the trouble is in clarifying them and articulating them. He said he imagines 'utopia' which reflects his values. I told him how I go about it is after I argue with people online, I later get the idea to feed the dialogue to chatgpt. (I think this only partially works). Bull told me I should write a short manifesto of my beliefs and feed it to chatgpt to challenge me. So I think I should try to write one. Workshop it overtime. Do a bit of research over a long period of time.

Pain and shit Poetry

Finally, on this wire that I balanced on, like I was born into it, like a bird that innately knows how to fly, to fly south. The wire was effortlessly walked. Then when it was over, the daggers and food being thrown at me, I jumped into the sky.

cough cough cough

I have the flu. It makes me want to rest more. Maybe relax in bed. Keep working on finishing certain books I began reading. However, I have to prepare for an up coming trip as well.

personal life update

Dating someone, but not exclusive. I'm not so sure about compatibility again, even if I really like them. Im not really actively looking, but dating apps are just fucking cancer.

I believe that my fears are justified in this society Im currently in. People that I meet feel so strange to me. I tend to wonder, why they believe in the things they do with such fevor and hostility. Not just the hotility where they will attack you in board daylight, but also the kind where they want to erode what you are because they think they know better or that what I feel is automatically not justified and dismissed. I believe our feelings shouldnt dominate and sway our behaviors because feelings come and go and it can do so rapidly, like the most sentitive seismometer. But that doesn't make the tool broken. Why do you feel that way? If logic and reasoning able to calm it down? If not, maybe it is a sign. Just wait and see if you can find out what your instincts are trying to tell you and why. If you cannot figure it out, that doesnt mean you have to override it everytime. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing even if you aren't completely sure why.

I don't tend to fit in with any group of people. Not because I haven't tried. I just don't feel like the majority of people are like me at all. I cannot fit in with them mentally. Easily, the outfits and mannerisms are easily to get by, but that isn't what I want. I don't want to feel like I have to keep holding up mirrors to not be attacked. People have told me several times I don't have to do that, but I feel like I do still. Its like people who have told others to "be themselves" only to recieve backlash when they actually do. Perhaps, in my case, it is just a quiet exclusion I believe. They just are unsure that I am one of them, so they dont prefer to include me. However, when I mirror people, they make assuptions about who I am. The project the best qualities onto me only because they like the mirror.

The places that did at least tolerate me where almost always places that were unfiltered, truly freeing places to talk and express yourself. With that comes the ugly, offensive, and morally reprehensible. But it felt the place I could truly unmask, become a strange chaotic kaleidoscopic exploration of being. Generally, I already know what I am and it is difficult to believe it. The exploration I think is a strange rebellion or defense against a society that keeps molding you in built-in coersive ways, if this is the case, then I have to look into PDA more. Really, I should leave all this heavy lifting to my doc, right? But he gives me tasks/homework to do anyway, so maybe not? I have no idea.

Somewhat Related videos

• 3 Major Signs you're Actually a High Masking Autistic Adult
• Autistic Things I Thought Were Normal
• What Level 1 Autism Really Feels Like (My Experience)
• Living with Autism Level 1 – My Real Experience

In one of these videos a man mentioned how it feels awkward to socialize and that it is tiring. For me, I just feel lost. Interally, Im just squinting and wondering, "what tf do they mean by this?" like the classic meme; just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave. He also talks about how socializing isn't enjoyable for him. In my case, it is enjoying for me when I get this dopamine hit from having a deep conversation, even if it is tense. But I will start to shut down in group settings. I've experienced moments where in large vcs too many people are talking and I start to zone out or dissociate, not knowing what I was doing. However, him talking about how his mind can get stuck on things, anything, that is extremely relatable. It is most terrifying when it gets fixated on dark things. When it get fixated on the positive things, Id smile like an idiot. If someone like Nietzsche was still alive and saw me he might wonder what I could possibly be so dumbly happy about; he might suspect I had this slave mentality and coping skills that kept me complacent in a society that is bleek. No, Nietzsche, Im just replaying the moment that I won in a very low stakes petty debate with my ex. Of course, the ex would never admit to concedeing, but I knew I had won. Nietzsche might look at me and say, "That's what you're thinking about? ... You're a demented bitch aren't you?" Id reply with obnoxious ownership, "Naturally." or "Duhh".

Anyway, he also mentioned delayed processing including emotions, which is very relatable to me. In some cases, it can take a week or a month for the feeling to fully process and make its way to the surface, or maybe what some psychologists might describe like, "emerge from the unconscious to the conscious".

Echolalia, is also something I do, and sometimes these days it is also very delayed. Like saying something like, 'chicklegrin'. Where have I heard this before? I believe I have emotions and lost memories tied to it where it was such a funny thing to say. How these things resurface every blue moon is strange.

a memory

In a townhouse built in the 1990s, an elderly Chinese woman turned on the vacuum in the living room at the bottom of the stairs. Had she known English well enough—and had she not been paid so generously—she might not have been there at all, caring for the household of her workaholic daughter, who was endlessly studying somewhere else.

Footsteps rushed down the stairs in a frustrated huff, yelling that it was “too loud,” assuming the old Chinese grandmother couldn’t understand. The gangly child grabbed the cord and yanked it from the wall furiously. The grandmother shook the vacuume, thinking it was just broken. The grandaughter repeated that it was too loud, then went back upstairs with an attitude of satisfaction, as if she had put an end to the problem. The old grandmother, somewhat flabberghasted, just plugged it back in and continued. She couldn't just let the creep of dust take over, can she?

Deep gutteral frustraited noises from upstairs competed with the vaccume. The vacuuming won easily.

How I understand the ASD levels

(btw Im NOT a professional. This is just a journal for my random ass thoughts which may or nay not be accurate, keep that in mind)

ASD levels are correlated to how much assistance is needed for the individual. Level 1 means little to none. Level 2 means provide support than average. Level 3 is requiring most signifigant support.

In a very general way, subtypes of ASD/ADHD, like aspergers, that mightve been seen in the DSM4 can be categorized into these levels, but not always. For instance, I can imagine that someone with aspergers might actually need more support than the average aspie. Hopefully, that gives more flexability for professionals to diagnose people with what they need.

There is an issue here however. Not only is that the DSM is utilized for insurance purposes to get money, which means the DSM is likely heavily influenced by certain industries to gain something from this. The DSM4/5 is very unfortunately shifting to be what a professional is proscribing to the individual rather than just being as accurate in their observations as possible. I've heard the ICD-11 is better, but I'd have to look into that. (Will I? Definatly not intentionally. Just if my brain happens to take me there, I might mention it.)

Happy New Year

When I began writing this entry, I didn't think about how it was the last day of 2025.

No matter who you are, good luck in the new year. Wishing everyone the best.

Don't skip a beat, baby

I need the weekend to come already. I have stuff to do on the weekend as well but at least I'll be doing more fun things.

Looking at all the progress I made on my site makes me super proud. I like having something all in one place but also pretty and extremely flexable. I think this new font Im using makes me want to go for this cyber sigilism background art. Maybe change the H1 font as well.

I know it happens to be that today is the birthday of someone I used to wish a happy birthday. Not happening this year.

UUNSK UNSK UNSK

Ok, gooner.

A lot has happened since my last entry.

I ended a long relationship. He said it was mutual. It doesn't feel like it was. My friend is relieved, and perhaps so was my psychiatrist. He is a good person... but corrupted in ways I knew I could never come close to fixing. It was painful to let go... but a relief washed over knowing I didnt have to look forward to something possibly evil.

The next person I dated pressured me into moving in after just two months of knowing each other. It felt off, but I didn't trust my own instincts. The problems I ignored ramped up to a hundred. While being driven around, I decided to move out and break up. In what seemed like a reactive knee-jerk response, he yelled, "WHY DON'T WE JUST FUCKING KILL OURSELVES THEN?!" His body tensed, and he stomped his foot on the gas, accelerating the car. I accepted death. Then he released the pedal. All I could say was, "My case in point." My psychatrist assured me that he was a psycho. I agreed.

The Doc said I need to be better at vetting people. How, Doc?

I'm not sad anymore.

I want to be able to accept these things might not be for me. Find peace at least.

Ok, bloomer.

But just as you want to commit to the motto, "amor fati", someone else appears. Well... that in and of itself is fate, right? Amor fati, indeed.

I wish I lived on a commune, living the good hippie life.

I won't give up steak though... I'm kind of craving it right now actually. Weeeeiiiiiirrrrrrddddddd.

I think my favorite type of cow is the highland cow. Adorable.

Watching Nimona currently. Nothing much happened today. I wish my bf would respond to me quicker sometimes. Im not sure what Im doing tomorrow.

I rediscovered a youtube video which I have been looking for. (https://youtu.be/1TxxX20Wy-0?si=ISr_CXSFSrQ9Ecck) One of the books he mentioned sparked particular interest in me to read; however, my thoughts on books kind of gives me some paralysis. Reading and that kind of invested focus in almost meditative. As you are in some kind of meditative trace-like state while reading, the words sink very deep. Things that you read can influence then how you read other material. So I developed a strange cautionary mentality where I want to be sure that what I am reading is actually worth my time and psychic energy (mental energy). Ever since reading 'The Righteous Mind' and 'The Body Keeps the Score' my experience has been awe in the ride. I loved reading them so much and I was enthralled; however, after completetion I later discover that there are potencial inaccuracies and conflicting thoughts against it. Whenever I ask people to give me their thoughts that conflict with the book they dont seem interested. How am I to know that their general slight displeasment is legimitate without looking at what details and personal research they have done, if any?

I thought to myself. Reviews. I can read reviews especially when I really want my hands on a book and I need to wait for it. But this brings me to a conundrum. Would the review ruin my experience or how I consume the text? Do I carry on as I have previously where I enjoy the ride and derive my own original thoughts from the experience? Then I can devistate myself later on and ruin my perception of it, kind of like stress testing the material or how well I know it.

For this particular book I wanted to read, I looked up a glimpse of a review online. The few words and sentences I read made me almost regret it. By ruin this anticipation and excitement I have? It is like a child excited to go to disney world bu thten you tell them how it actually sucks because all the rides are just for decoration and you can't actually ride them and all the characters are paid actors. If I was a kid I would just be less inclined and excited to go. I would experience disney world with this cynical eye and not have any fun.

Let me believe Santa Clause is real, *then* tell me the truth later. Dont give me spoilers to a show that I'm currently enjoying or looking forward to.

The wind howls right outside my window as I stay home and ferment with the flu. Last night, I stayed up only until 11pm. I felt sudden shivers, warm, and by entrie body was achy. I drank orange juice and tried to sleep well top get over being sick. Today, I wake up and I feel fine, but not as bad as last night. It makes me feel like I dont deserve to stay home and doubt if I even have the flu. I gave it a bit of time and the warm achy feeling returned. Still, I dont feel I deserve to stay home, but I convinced myself that I shouldn't be getting other people sick. That I should occupy myself with something else and take it easy.

I started some seeds in doors a while back. I have a new seed tray, which I can probably fill today with new seeds.

update: I slept almost all day after eating some food and taking medicine. I felt amazingly well rested. I woke up and did the pixel art below. Reading my journal entry again, Im wondering if I should finally start those seeds.

If you would like to use these, please link back to my website or credit me in some way. Thank you.

One day will be the last day I will ever talk to you. I might not know if you are happy or if you found someone. I might not know if you think of me ever. I will never know what it would be like to be with you.

Someday I will hear your name for the last time. The memories of you will never be called to again. It will be lost to time. Hopefully replaced by better ones.

The seed of your soul never was for me to see and cherish. That privilege probably belongs to someone else.

However tragic it all feels, I don't wish to have never known you.

Today, I was thinking of how I can continue a ridiculous mind map idea I have. The mind map would be a way to explain and elaborate on my perspective of the world, a collection of personal experiences as well as things I have read into wuch as philosophy and psychology. I tend to feel that I cannot explain enough to anyone to fully understand me. This is probably grandiose of me to feel like what I can offer as insight into how the world works, but I want to try reguardless. I tend to keep defeating myself, to a point where I feel like anything I make is dirt or less worthy than what anyone else can produce. Again and again I am proven wrong with certain things Ive made or things that Ive said. So how does one know where to draw this line? I feel the worry about grandiosity and cringe are related. I need to let it go and if it simply is grandiose or the wheel being reinvented, then it in the end there was no harm done.

A friend of mine actually, ForeverPrince, told me something I wish I could remember genuinely. He told me how he wanted to write something completely original on a topic that seemed really ambitious to me. I told him how that sounds like it could give birth to something new and original, but warned he could be reinventing the wheel. He said, in what I imagined to be a quick retort, "I'll just become a wheel expert." I could only chuckle and respect a resilient spirit.

Perhaps the internet being so extremely present hampers or suggest how people should act. For instance, the awareness that someone can go back 10 years into your history and pull up something you did to embarass you. Anything that you wish you couldve been rid of. Who would want that to happen to them? You either live as if everyone is watching you always and have perfect memory - or - you hide yourself away even more, shunning how unforgiving society is.

I chose the latter, unintentionally choosing anonymity in a way which I feel might be taking a life of its own with no form. I wonder if there is a way of merging or fusing what was developed to what is already existing or if that is even a good idea. I like what was developed via this anonymity. I hope to keep it in someway. I dont want to forget it. I never felt more free. I think this journal might be a type of bridge for that. A place for my weird thoughts which will surely make some people upset surely.

I have several ideas for things I want to write and create. However, no matter how I begin developing them, it feels like I can't get past the beginning. Unfortunately, this recurring pattern makes some sense to me. I just have glimpses of scenes and stories, and these glimpses sometimes replay over and over again. Right now, a familiar glimpse has been replaying and fueling my current writing for a story about an inspired gothic romance. The glimpse is of a dark place that I don’t think many will understand, or it might freak them out. Just a lot of longing and dreaming— the kind of borderline cringe stuff I used to write in middle school or high school fanfiction RPs. I thought I had left all that behind because I’ve grown up. However, the more I read about creative people, the more I realize I was wrong. Maybe it is childish to create and express cringe-worthy things, but who cares? Who actually gives a fuck about your losses or cringe stuff? No one. You do. (Okay—maybe if you have a therapist, they might also care because you pay them money.) Since you’re the only person who cares about your own weird ideas, you’re the only one who can do right by them. You need to embrace the cringe and set yourself free. If someone likes it, then so be it. If someone wants to rain on your parade and say, “That’s so lame you still like XYZ,” or say something intended to embarrass you, they’re probably being assholes. Keep creating because only you can grant yourself that freedom. That’s the only way something super cool has a chance at being born. Be cringe. Be free.

Another tangent... anyway Im going to combine a lot of ideas. Im going to collect all these scattered glimpses and remove the sacredness. Hopefully, it heps me get farther.

Perhaps the best way to desecrate my ideas is to talk about them openly to anyone.

Hobbies

Nothing really sticks but easily something can certainly grab my attention. At one point I was obsessed with small shrimps in aquariums; I still somewhat am. I love watching ghost shrimp eat their food with their little hands pinching and collecting particles of food to eat them. Then once they eat them, you can see the food in their bellies. I remember feeding them a white-ish looking food pellet and their small bellies turned white. Then perhaps the next day their bellies fully digested it and you couldnt see it anymore. I also like the blue velvet shrimps only because they are blue and I find them to be very pretty. I haven't kept up with this hobby. I don't have a tank anymore.

I still do art as much as I can. I sometimes doodle things at work and sometimes write down ideas for things I want to make story-wise. For instance, recently, I watched the movie Spiderwyck, and it inspired me to recreate it sort of but instead of cats as the characters. But then I remembered something that Vu said which was, something along the lines of, 'Don't go to anywhere to learn how to write a story. You just write a story that comes to you.' I somewhat agree with him. I think in the moment I just really liked the movie and wanted something that was low effort to achieve, like a mindless coloring book. However, when he said that I felt like I need to make something more original, which unfortunately mightve stagnated me. Something that initially began as a small light hearted thing turned into something huge in my mind that it was too hard to even start it. I've had many ideas, but none of them stay.

Recently, I've been playing minecraft while watching the show Lost. I do this because I want to feel like one of one my previous friends is with me again. We used to play minecraft and watch Dr House.

Reading is a hobby which I think has stayed with me a little longer. I would read a little during lunch and then sometimes when I have to wait for someone or something at work. I also read at the cafe sometimes after my friend leaves a bit earlier to go grocery shopping. Reading is nice because when Im curious about something, like a certain random topic, there is almost always a book for it. So whatever I'm interested in the moment, I can just pick up a book and learn more about it in depth. It accompanies my very random choices of interest. Also, it can definately make you feel very fancy or give you some kind of romanitzation of dark academia.

Embroidery or Needle work has been nice but it was very short lived. I completed an embroidery design from michaels of a pumpkin and flowers. I felt good about it, so I decided that I should do more. I got a pretty moth design embroidery kit and started that one. I made a few mistakes but brushed it off easily. However, I believe I can't bring myself to continue where I left off because the last time I continued the design, I was doing the embroidery with my sister. In my mind I just wanted to continue it with my sister again, but it is kind of rare we hang out. The last time we hung out was when the snow kept most people inside. This time the snow is keeping people inside again, but I didn't ask her to come continue it with me. I think I was tired or didn't feel like Ive have the time for it when there are so many other things I need to do.

As for oil painting, I love it more than acrylic painting mainly for how it looks and blendable it is. I started taking lessons early last year when I felt like I truly am free to do anything that I wanted. How you can make it look extremely crisp and soft. I wanted my first piece to be a 'vanitas' painting; its beautiful so far actually. I remember one day driving home just below the speed limit with my windows down during the summer and listening to groovy happy music, feeling like I was doing something new and something I always wanted to do. I stopped going after I was happy with the skull...even though there is so much else to do to complete it. Its such a long drive. I want to go again. Below was one of the songs I listened to while on the way home.

As for my online journal, this is why I came here to make an entry. I thought to myself that it probably has been too long since I've made an update. That made me wonder if this is just one of those hobbies I pick up and then lose interest in again.

Now that I think about it, I think my accounts that I have kind of reflect this. Im subscribed to youtube channels I dont feel I belong to anymore. Im in discord servers only fulfill my curiosity, but it has been fulfilled and I'm still in these places. Even on reddit I don't feel like I'm one of *insert subreddit* anymore, but I still post things anyway lol.

Post Script

I took my entry above and asked chatgpt to tell me about myself. Then I asked chatgpt to take everything it knows about me and make job suggestions based on what it knows about me.

Ideal Job Traits for You:

• Creative Freedom – Opportunities to express your artistic and storytelling talents (e.g., writing, visual arts, design).
• Intellectual Stimulation – Work that engages your curiosity and allows you to explore different topics.
• Autonomy & Flexibility – A role that allows for self-direction and avoids micromanagement.
• Short-Term, Project-Based Work – Positions where you can move between projects without long-term monotony.
• Social Connection (Optional) – Jobs where you can engage with like-minded people but avoid environments that feel socially draining.

Potential Career Paths:

1. Creative Fields
   • Comic Book Artist/Writer (Freelance) – Since you're already working on a comic script, pursuing a career in comics or graphic novels could channel your storytelling abilities and artistic skills. Freelancing allows you to work on different projects at your pace.
   • Illustrator/Concept Artist – Working on commissioned projects for books, games, or advertising might satisfy your love for visual creativity without the pressure of long-term commitments.
   • Content Creator (YouTube, Blog, etc.) – Sharing your varied interests (art, gaming, philosophy, etc.) in an engaging way could let you explore different subjects while building an audience.
2. Writing and Storytelling
   • Fiction Writer or Screenwriter – Your tendency to collect ideas and start projects could translate well into short stories, novels, or scripts. Consider focusing on short formats that don't require overwhelming long-term planning.
   • Research Writer (Freelance) – Writing about diverse topics based on your fleeting interests could align with your reading habits and curiosity-driven nature. Topics could range from psychology to niche hobbies.
3. Design and Media
   • UX/UI Designer – If you're inclined towards visual design and problem-solving, UX/UI design for websites and apps offers variety and creative freedom. It also involves user research, which may satisfy your curiosity.
   • Graphic Designer – Working on branding, marketing materials, and visual storytelling in short-term projects might suit your love for art without long-term stagnation.
4. Education & Coaching
   • Art Instructor (Workshops or Online Courses) – Sharing your knowledge about art techniques through casual, non-rigid teaching environments could be fulfilling. Platforms like Skillshare or YouTube might suit your personality.
   • Library or Museum Work – Given your love for reading and curiosity, working in an environment where you can continuously learn and engage with new information might be a good fit.
5. Gaming and Digital Communities
   • Game Designer (Indie Projects or Storytelling Focus) – If you enjoy gaming, creating story-driven indie games could combine your love of writing, art, and exploration. Tools like Twine or Unity offer flexibility.
   • Community Manager for Online Platforms – Engaging with online spaces, organizing events, and managing creative communities might align with your experience in online interactions (e.g., Discord, Reddit).

Job Styles to Avoid:

• Highly Repetitive or Rigid Jobs – Anything with monotonous tasks that don’t allow exploration.
• Highly Social Jobs – If constant interpersonal interaction drains you, avoid roles with excessive customer-facing duties.
• Corporate Bureaucracy – Jobs with too many rules, hierarchies, and long-term rigid planning might feel suffocating.

Suggestions to Explore Your Path:

• Freelancing or Side Projects – Start with small, flexible projects in art, writing, or design to build experience without pressure.
• Portfolio Development – Whether it's writing, art, or design, having an online portfolio could open doors to opportunities that suit your strengths.
• Consider Part-Time or Gig Work – This allows you to explore multiple interests without feeling locked into one career path.

When I'm at work I wish I was home, then I get home and I don't want to be there either.

While on ic.org, I bought books and started reading one of them. The book is about intentional communities and how to start them. It has been interesting so far because I feel that I wasn't in the right mind set. I had this vision and picture in my mind I wanted to implement, but it was very kind of solipsism of me in that the vision was my own independent vision. The vision didnt really merge or meet with another person. The book made me realize that all the ideals and benefits that comes with intentional communities, it is because many people were able to make it happen together with a shared vision and cooperation. Sometimes people have this really specific vision on exactly how they want things to be, but its rare to have everyone have the same exact expectations or visions as you. Communication, compromise, and education are just some of the things that need to happen to really bring everyone together on the same page. Part of becoming more proficient with communication, compromise and being educated is understanding how other communities run their system, avoiding to try and reinvent the wheel.

Dreams of a Small Utopia

Purpose

• Sustainable
• cooperative living
• spiritual practices

Focuses

• Environmental Stewardship
• Creativity
• Beauty

Aesthetics

There would be beautiful cob houses built and sculpted that look like they came out of a storybook, like this beautiful building a man built himself. Because they are made from the same materials, all the buildings would be harmonious with each other so it would feel like you’re almost transported into a fantasy book. There would be no car in sight; maybe there is a car just in case but out of sight and far away. Everything is close by and walkable - or bikeable. It would be encouraged to participate in constructions. Buildings could also exist where someone could have their goods on the lower level and live on a second level - or right next door.

Spiritual

I imagine practices that evolve over time and become a ritual that can bring everyone together. Practicing mindfulness. Celebrate the beauty of nature and take care of it. Certain rituals and practices such as principles in clothing. Shared spirituality or religion is a strong way to bond communities. Habits such as very limited media and ‘entertainment’ so that our minds can stay clean and not sucked into the predatory nature of social medias, doom-scrolling, and their realization that making you mad keeps you engaged, which lines their pockets. The ever-increasing mental health problems that correlate with social media is so concerning, and yet they want to even expose younger and younger children to these harmful algorithms. Spirituality and religion I think helps people reconnect with the world around them and give them a sense of purpose, compared to the empty feeling one gets from social medias etc.

Sustainable

There would not only be water storage, canning, permaculture and such for our needs. There would also be classes to spread the knowledge for providing for our own needs and wellness to sustain the community for future generations. Keeping in mind all the ways current society fails us or could collapse, we need to give ourselves the peace of mind that we can be completely independent from them. It may never happen, but even so, having the sustainability to persist through anything helps even in smaller societal crises, such as unrest, crime, shortages, inflation etc.

Cooperative Living

WIP

Meanderings

I came across this youtube video with a man talking about Perflectly Hidden Depression. It feels like this describes me perfectly, as of recent. I'm already working on making changes, but it never really crossed my mind this is considered a sort of depression. It wasn't always like this. The perfection is too much it is paralyzing. It perhaps answers a lot of things for me. Not just for myself either. It is also probably my sister, my dad, maybe my brother. I don't want to imagine how the inside of my mom's brain works.

Goals

I've been using the metaphor for this kind of life, a hamster wheel. It feels like I'm running on this wheel for so long and each step I take is to only to do one thing, keep running. So I think instead of pushing myself for things to keep running, my goals will be either taking it easy or working towards being free. Maybe both hopefully. I was told that after you saved a certain about of money, it is all smooth sailings from there. I'm close to that amount, but I'm no sure that will actually relieve me. Otherwise, why is it so many people work until they are into their 50s 60s? Surely I must be doing something they have previously done? Or maybe I will blink 20 years away...? That is an absolutely terrifying thought. I think it is terrifying because I imagine my current existance being stretched over 20 years. Trying to balance out this feeling, I also want to think about how much can change in only one year. I might experience something or an event occurs in my life - or maybe I made the change via my own hard work - that will make me feel elated rather than dread 20 years.

Lo and Behold Another To-Do List

• Add the blurr* security feature to my text in my journals - if not, think of how I want to do it
• I might have to migrate outside of neocities, because I want to create a backend to actually store things, like really short lived forum posts
• Complete making the pixel journal bigger and fixing the below icons
• Post the pages of my zine? Will I even do it at this point? ._.

Show Review

I usually see this character fanart on places like twitter of Pomni. I watched it all easily in one sitting. However, the concept was facinating to me. Similar to the show Severance and it feels like DHMIS, but more PG and more hopeful. I was talking to Ash about the show and she didn't like it as much and felt there wasn't as many jokes compared to DHMIS, which I agree with somewhat. (spoilers ahead, don't read if you dont want spoilers) The darkness within TADC is way more underplayed, like in the episode where they go to this candy kindgom. They go to this candy kingdom and Pomni befriends an NPC who gained insight into his nature which is completely fabricated. Then later the NPC is instantly oblitherated in front of Pomni because Caine, who seems to be the ultimate controler of this digital circus simply doesnt want to confused the humans with the NPCs. Pomni laughs in this way of being on the brink of insanity. But for some reason the emotional weight and heaviness isn't as strong as compared to DHMIS. Reguardless, I believe I like TADC more. Recently, I want things that are more light hearted and hopeful. When I was younger, I was definately more draw to darker subject matters, but I have gotten really soft. I want to be in this bloomer era and alieviate these feelings of dread. I want to mentally feel young, bushy tailed and full of hope again.

Oh - it also helps that the show was on netflix and I didn't have much else to do. I was relaxed and ready to have my brain messaged and innoculated...lol

Things I want to do

I think I'm going to take it easy on the dragoncave eggs on the about me page. I think I mainly come to my neocities page to update them, but then neglect writing in my journal. I keep teetering back and forth how forthcoming I want to be on this journal. Even though I probably don't have many people who read this, I still feel some reluctance. I want to be able to just write whatever is on my mind or what is going on my my life however.

Another thing I want to do is create a place on my website to page through my journal. Another one to page through my zines...

The absolute agony.

Anyway, I hope to write another script for a zine again. I want to make one in time for Lightbox expo. I'm not sure I have that kind of steam in me right now though... I really want to make another zine, a better one. Short again, like I did the previous one, which I haven't posted here yet... T_T

Here are my ideas...but most of them might be too long... : DragonWyck but make it gothic cat people, a sci-fi psychological thriller, and a zine about some stoicism exercises (might be the shortest and most straight forward idea)

Already the weekend is coming up too. Sigh

Sometimes I have so many ideas and so much motivation to do things, like work on my website and draw out comic ideas. However, when I get home I just dont feel it as strong do do any of those things. Like I think I've lost steam to even keep up with this journal. ):

tryyyinnnggg to create a way for ppl to post text for others to seeeee. using formspree but running into errors. what a pain.

Did some pixel art!

I hope to recreate my journal and make it prettier. While I was looking at other personal websites, I saw how others did their journals and thought it was really cute or cool. So I created some pixel art for a concept. I think it looks ok, but I htink I want it to be a bit more shiny and embellished. Then I want the arrows at the bottom to be clickable to 'flip' to the next page. If an entry is really long, then you could scroll on that page.

First Time at SPX!

First Day

The convention was amazing! It felt like it was more geared towards artists and lovers of the art of comics. The first day was definitely the highlight. As my friend, T-REX, and I walked around, he noticed there were a lot of risographs (very popular) and that I kept touching all the risographs. I love the matte look and feel! Visually, I'm not sure why I'm drawn to them—maybe because the colors are usually super bright too? Anyway, there were a lot of people and so much to listen to and learn. The three panels I attended were "Translation from Japanese," "Warts & All Memoir," and "Teen Apocalypse." Out of all of these, I think I liked the first panel the most because I learned more about a local company that makes Japanese manga more accessible in the US. My second favorite was the "Warts & All Memoir" panel. My friend, who joined me for all the panels, liked the "Warts & All" panel the most. Rightfully so—the topic can spark a lot of conversation around personal experiences, which is often quite engaging. My friend told me stories that I thought HAD to be made into a minicomic or zine.

The first day was when I got the MOST STUFF! I walked in through the doors, and the very first vendor I stumbled upon had so much CUTE STUFF that I wanted to buy it all! There was just so much creativity on display, and I loved every bit of it. Not only did I buy a lot of things, but I also did some trading! The zine I made actually paid off! I only printed 11 copies, but I was able to trade them all. Some booths participated in zine/card trading. One booth, which wasn’t part of the card trading, saw me holding the blue sheet of paper with the booth locations. She asked me what it was for, and I told her it was a list of all the tables that did trading. Then she offered to trade zines with me! For the most part, my enjoyment came from knowing someone was going to read my first zine. The joy was also in the process of making it and actually COMPLETING IT. Truly a feat for me.

One booth in particular had zines focused on dreams and precognition. I was so intrigued. I had to talk to the creator for a while and ask where I could listen to the content they follow about consciousness and similar topics, since I love things like dream analysis. Naturally, I bought their zine.

Second Day

The second day was shorter, but I brought a different friend, Ash, who had a good time walking around and buying some stuff I missed on the first day. Then I joined a workshop event, maybe 10-ish minutes late, to use mixed media to create a one-page comic! It was so relaxing to just get in the zone. I had eaten a big Indian lunch beforehand and drank some coffee to fight off the food coma, so I was super comfy and felt like I could rest my head. When it came to creating the mixed media comic, all the soft, calm neutral colors really spoke to me. I ended up drawing a comic about online relationships, showing how comfortable they can be but also somewhat sad.

Afterward, I went to a horror panel, but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, so I left a bit early to shop around a little more before leaving. I got so much stuff anyway, including resources to learn more about making comics and zines, so I felt like I had enough already. I met back up with Ash to carpool home.

these are all 100x100

Cathexis: History

Remember how I said that cathexis was a term first used by Sigmund Freud? I was wrong! — Kind of. Freud's work was originally done in German. The German word Freud used was 'Besetzung,' which, when translated through Google Translate, means 'occupation.' However, the word is extremely rich and can mean a lot of other things as well. It somewhat makes me think of saying, "XYZ lives rent-free in my mind," meaning my mind is occupied by something. When it was translated by James Strachey, the word 'Besetzung' didn’t have a perfect English equivalent to fully convey its meaning. The word 'cathexis' originates from Greek, and running it through Google Translate gives 'to sit,' which doesn’t seem quite right. However, according to the Wiktionary entry, it means "holding" and "retention." It also elaborates on how the word Besetzung is used in German.

Cathexis: Key Figures

Sigmund Freud was a highly influential figure with great appeal. The book The Art of Seduction mentions him and describes how he attracted people around him. Even after his death, Freud's appeal continues in the field of psychology. Here are a few people who made significant contributions...

Carl Jung: My Favorite to Mention

Having touched the alt-right pipeline with a 10-foot pole, I listened to Jordan Peterson, and like many people, I was extremely intrigued. I developed some cathexis toward his ideas, or rather his charisma. One person Peterson talked about heavily was Carl Jung. In Jung's translated collection of Essays on Dreams, Jung interpreted dreams and elaborated on how dreams reveal the state of our psyche or what our psyche is trying to tell us. I interpreted the reading as suggesting that our psyche can have a cathexis, which we may not even realize. In one case where Jung analyzed a man's dream, it revealed that the man had subconsciously pieced together that his wife might be committing infidelity. Regardless of whether his wife was actually cheating, his psyche had been considering this idea enough for it to manifest in his dreams. There is plenty more that Carl Jung talks about beyond dreams, but I felt this was a significant topic to mention.

Melanie Klein

Even though I have not read much of her work or biography, she is another important figure to mention. Like Jung, Klein had direct interactions with Freud. Listening to various psychology videos, I have heard references to her work. Her contributions were extremely significant because she was the first to apply psychoanalysis to children and developed innovative techniques. Her theoretical work is also fascinating and likely elaborates on the interaction between cathexis and other factors.

Other Later Influences

Donald Winnicott, John Bowlby, Harry Stack Sullivan

Cathexis : Definition and Why it is Important

Cathexis is a term first introduced by Sigmund Freud. Over time the definition evolved into a more conteporary definition. However, for prosperity and intrigue, I will start off with how Freud used the term.

Definition

Freud essentially said that Cathexis is where a person invests mental energy into a person, idea, or object. This is the concentration of psychic energy on specific objects and desires. The objects can be external (physical reality) or internal (inside the mind). He believed that cathexis was important because it is what helps the individual channel their energy into satisfying their desires or maintaining emotional connections.

Why It Is Important

How and where there is the investment of emotion heavily determines and influences the behaviors, interests, and lots of other aspects to a person. As a brisk and simple example of this, I've never really emotionally invested in woodworking, so there is not motivation or inspiration for me to do woodworking. I would have to be in a situation where I absolutely have to do woodworking. On the other hand, I do have a lot of cathexis for things like art and drawing. So I will be innately driven to pursue it, breathe it. I think about concepts and imagery like a movie all the time at work. All of my mental energy just goes there and it propels me to a point where I don't need to gain anything from doing it. There is so much pleasure and love in the activity itself.

The term still generally means the same as it does right now. However, I think it is likely terms like 'psychic energy' and 'libido' kind of removes the feeling of mysticism. When it is used now, it generally just means the emotional investment.

Brisk Life Updates

I met with my friend in the morning and my family in the afternoon. I updated this site's about me page to look a little bit better on mobile. I heavily used chatgpt to get this far, but if I want something much more custom,it is going to take more experience. Some site like appleDust is really amazingly cute! However, someone told me if I want to use my site for portfolio reasons I sould keep it a little simple. I wanna have everything.

Musings

There is a concept called Cathexis, which I am facinated by. Not only am I facinated by what it is, but also how it was interpreted historically. The more I read about psychology, the more I feel this almost mystical nature. When I read more or listen more about the more strictly scientific and tangible, such as lectures from Human Behavioral Biology, the more I learn that we don't know a lot. That human consciousness and God actually have so much in common. It can can be seen as eerie or mind melting in the best way. There are so many ideas I have and things I want to talk about but I don't know how to or where to start. I tried using chatgpt, and I found it useful to give me structure.

Structured Topic

P.S.

I keep going to sleep way too late... ): it's almost 3:26am. Maybe it's time to quit coffee.

Mentally I keep replaying conversations. Analyzing over and over again what was said. How it was said. Why it was said. I almost always feel that I missed something in conversations. I have to keep checking. It's so tiring. I wish I didn't have to waste energy on this. I wish I could just choose to not give a shit anymore.

I slept in. It was so serene. When I woke up and went to take care of the yard some... I found that the weather is so nice today... it's so cool and breezy. And I visited to very local pharmacy to be surprised I could've gotten some stuff there like shampoo etc. And picked up my dry cleaning (finally). I tell my boyfriend about my day and that I imagine being with him again when he comes back.

I went into a hardware store. I saw they stored all their Stanley cups behind the counter. I asked the cashier, "do you guys just keep all the Stanley cups there because someone tried stealing them?" Him, "-yes". "This one lady just took an arm full and walked out with them." Just as he was telling me about his manager recognized the thief from being a manager at game stop... he catches a glance of a woman walking past me and out the doors. It was her. He even knew her by name...

I buy all the stuff I needed from the hardware store. Then I return home and collect some grass for the compost. My first compost pile was actually warm! However, I don't think it was hot enough. So I'm starting a new one. I even got wood pallettes to keep it in place.

When I finally decide to go inside and rest infront of my computer, I talk with the art friends group. I talk more with Tadpole, which made me glad for her company. I worry about what she wants to do with her life sometimes, but she is still young. I heard the voice of Forever Prince. There is strange meloncoly I feel everytime, but I can at least be genuinely glad if he is content and happy. As if an angel that can watch over him from afar and hidden, is what I want to be.

I made a cinnamon herbal tea and used a honey lollipop to sweeten it. It was pretty good. However, I think it takes too much effort sometimes to make tea... or maybe I've just been lazy recently. I was hoping it would help me relax and make fix my headache. It hasn't gone away.

Then I go to chat in the Destiny server. Someone was talking about some very interesting things with me after I mention I might be 'shopping around' for religion again. He told me that the west does have a religion. He talked about concepts that I am somewhat familiar with such as Hermeticism, but I'm not sure I completely understand where he is coming from. However, he did mention about reality or our universe being God - think? Something I need to contemplate more on.

Somethings I need to do...

Add pictures from my zine into an art tab

Add pictures of my compost pile when I first made it

Create a music player

Make my About Me page more mobile friendly (done... kinda)

Create my first Shrine

Updates I have made...

Messed with CSS and the About Me page... I hope it updates soon and I can see if the changes are good

Picked up my zine sample - it seems ok - I'll probably order more

Hidden/Unhidden some of my dragon eggs to slow down clicks and exposure

I WASTED MY WHOLE HOLIDAY F*%$ING AROUND WITH SUNO... I COULD"VE GOTTEN MORE DONE.

AND NOW I WANNA GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF CREATING AN MP3 PLAYER ON MY WEBSITE TO POST MY AI MUSIC SLOP.

I HATE TIME JUST SLIPS THROUGH MY FINGERS LIKE NOTHING.

My friend told me that I actually have more time than I though for small press expo. Still, I'm hoping to shred through the pages and get them printed at like staples, which can get done in a few days. Because once I go back to work, my progress will slow again...

Updates to Website and Journal: Since I want to make this site a bit more public, I've removed the more personal journal entries. Most of it consists of me complaining or being melodramatic; you're not missing much haha... Also, I want to treat this like a linktree, connecting all my social medias, but I'm taking it slow to see what if Im comfortable with the direction of the website.

Happy Belated Birthday to an Online Friend : If I recall correctly, it was your Birthday in August. Happy birthday.

HTMX : I've heard of htmx recently and hope to give a shot soon. It's supposed to make html have more interactive elements, so it can subsitude javascrip supposedly.

Below is a picture of the most recent progress being made for the zine.

It took me 3 days to get 2.5 somewhat incomplete pages of my zine/comic.

Work was alright. I drove to campus to do my best to put up more flyers and posters for small press expo. I now just have the free day pass tickets left to pass out. I've completed my job, but I still feel like I needed to do something more... I think I'm being too hard on myself again.

Below is the third page of my manga/zine because I completed the second page and I don't want to just post the whole thing online just yet.

Phantom Thread was recommended to me by someone in the Destiny server after we were discussing mental health and how entertainment reflects society. I was still subscribed to Netflix, something I eventually want to get rid of, so I took the opportunity to watch it there. The movie had a slow pace, and I watched it while doing linework for my art. Unfortunately, I spoiled much of the plot for myself by reading some of it on Wikipedia before continuing to watch.

At first, I liked the character of Reynolds Woodcock and understood his appeal. He had a domineering personality, but it was part of his charm. He was also passionate about his work, hardworking, and had great taste. However, Alma began to feel as if she was in a straitjacket due to his rigidity. Reynolds was also in a straitjacket of his own, unable to let go.

For me, the movie's pacing was too slow. However, the characters and their dynamics were subtle but profound. In a way, I can relate to Reynolds. There are many things in my life that I find too hard to let go of. Even when there are things I desperately want, I hold on to what is holding me back. So, I can somewhat understand how Reynolds sees Alma. He loves her not because she makes his work better. Being free isn't about being better or more inspired—it's about being free, and that can be terrifying to some. You can desire something that terrifies you.

* edited with chatgpt

Here is my work so far for the zine

keeping an online Journal hasn't motivated me to write more. ive just been fucking around with html. earlier today i started to get a headache. I dont wannt sleep it off thoiught because i was stupid and ate a caffine chocolate. So dumb.

A song from one of my memories.

I was in the lab of the graduate students. My close colleague and friend sat accross from me on the table in the center of the room. He had probably smoked weed before going to the lab to work on the assignment with me. Even though I didn't smoke weed, we were both tired and sluggish. The room was very quiet and our assignment was so dry. One of us asked if we should play music. I went ahead and played the song above. I think at the time I was going through a realization in my personal life and relationship and resonated with the feeling or mood song, not necessarily the lyrics. The song was just too mellow he actually started to doze off into a nap.

I just finished playing Disco ELysium! Amazing! I love the characters and the world that was developed! I highly suggest playing it!

Plot plot is really something you cannot put down! My in real life art group told me that a novelist actually helped design the world! No wonder it feels so amazing and the characters were so lucid, gritty, and human!

Maybe I should write a review on the game, but Im so please with it! Actually - now that I mention it - the game does have bugs here and there. Uninstalling and reinstalling fixed some of the big ones. One bugs I just avoided such as interacting with a bed to take a nap. Otherwise, the game is absolutely beautiful. I really hope another one comes out. However, I believe I can get more play throughs from the game by choosing a different character strength in the beginning.

Flyers/Posters: I went to pick up posters for the Small Press Expo, and I’ve already managed to hand out some flyers and posters to a few shops! I'm pretty excited about it! It feels great to volunteer for small creators and creatives. I also got a free day pass, which is even cooler, but I didn’t know I would get one for volunteering.

Earlier in the Day - Thoughts: In addition to complaining about low energy and not sleeping on time, I’ve been working on developing a manga and a zine. The manga will be a psychological sci-fi story. The inspiration came from a somewhat recent experience with a group of online friends, particularly one person, who I might come up with a pseudonym for. I’ve already written a very rough draft, and I want to post pictures of it because if it turns into something, I want to see the progress and how far I’ve come.

As for the zine, I want it to be pretty but really short, maybe 8-9 pages at most. This idea came to me randomly as my mind wandered while at work. Since it’s so short, I’ve made more progress on it than on the manga. I’ve already drawn thumbnails for the panels and arranged how I want them to look on the pages. I want to get feedback from my art friends, but to make it easier, I'm going to need to copy and paste the thumbnails into the panel slots to see the flow. I’ll take pictures of that progress as well (I guess after I figure out how to add pictures to my site).

About my website: The thought occurred to me to just keep posting journal entries for a while. Then in the future, I can better see what my main focus and recurring interests are so that I can shape my website around that. I can see myself spending time adding features that I may never use or quickly lose interest in, so for now, I’ll just focus on making journal entries to start off. It’s kind of hard, though, to focus on just one thing because so many shiny new things and ideas call to me.

*This is the first blog I asked chatgpt to make grammar fixes for me

The horrible Spotted LanternFly. Life already feels hard. Now I have to worry about this. I have tree of heaven in my yard that popped up recently and only the small amount of progress I made has been painful.

It already past midnight again. I just keep spiraling. Taking the idea from an ex-friend I had, I was using chatgpt to solve my problems. I didnt get very far.

There is alot that I normally can say or think when I am in the groove of things and in the mood to rant about the world. I don't really feel it flowing here. My thoughts sort of just blank out.

Today I went to an art meetup and worked on a script for a manga/comic. I was continuing the write the script but doubt kept crreping up on me, even before about one of the feedback I had gotten. That it had a lot of exposition starting off and should be broken up to prevent paragraphs. I agreed. It was very good advice. So I had done so. However, from that point on I wondered if my writing is so poor because there is so much exposition? So it keeps evolving from there and my self doubt urges me to change it more. Breaking up the exposition also likely helped expand the number of pages to do rather than being so dense into only 8 pages; however, then I worry it is too drawn out a lot of span of pages only for two people to talk. In my creative writing class, the teacher had told a story where someone turns in a thick story, but once he began reading it he gave some harsh advice. The advice was to really remove a good chunk of the beginning of the story. The idea is to grip your readers, so you need to skip to the good parts. I would even add it enhances a bit of mystery of the past for the reader to unravel and piece together themselves.

Earlier this month I also began to take ssris. It is the strangest thing. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night. After doing a bit of research, I found out that it represses REM sleep. So I started taking it in the morning.

Just now I was messaging someone. I think I had some kind of rage attack. Something I experienced before when chatting online with other people, like about politics or some vein like that. You feel your body shaking, vibrating. The impulse for what I want to do in the moment is actually strong, but because everything is sheltered behind 1s and 0s. None of it feels real to them I guess.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4qeIlzP0Z1JFXh0AckDcX8?si=f3b357e0d002423f

While I am at work I have so many ideas pass through my mind. I think about games, psychology, art, history, my history, and story ideas. I think about purfumes and milky smelling purfumes and wondering how I can get my hands on it. When I talk to certain people I can rant a lot. Easily, paragraphs of words. Walls of doom spiraling text which my boyfriend probably doesn't deserve as he is falling asleep. I would keep a journal, but it feels like I would be yelling into nothing. It doesnt really feel like something I want to do anymore. I want something I can share a bit more freely and perhaps maybe a few people might read a little and understand a little.

I wonder if it is possible for me to make journal entries from my phone.