Entries:

tryyyinnnggg to create a way for ppl to post text for others to seeeee. using formspree but running into errors. what a pain.

Did some pixel art!

I hope to recreate my journal and make it prettier. While I was looking at other personal websites, I saw how others did their journals and thought it was really cute or cool. So I created some pixel art for a concept. I think it looks ok, but I htink I want it to be a bit more shiny and embellished. Then I want the arrows at the bottom to be clickable to 'flip' to the next page. If an entry is really long, then you could scroll on that page.

First Time at SPX!

First Day

The convention was amazing! It felt like it was more geared towards artists and lovers of the art of comics. The first day was definitely the highlight. As my friend, T-REX, and I walked around, he noticed there were a lot of risographs (very popular) and that I kept touching all the risographs. I love the matte look and feel! Visually, I'm not sure why I'm drawn to them—maybe because the colors are usually super bright too? Anyway, there were a lot of people and so much to listen to and learn. The three panels I attended were "Translation from Japanese," "Warts & All Memoir," and "Teen Apocalypse." Out of all of these, I think I liked the first panel the most because I learned more about a local company that makes Japanese manga more accessible in the US. My second favorite was the "Warts & All Memoir" panel. My friend, who joined me for all the panels, liked the "Warts & All" panel the most. Rightfully so—the topic can spark a lot of conversation around personal experiences, which is often quite engaging. My friend told me stories that I thought HAD to be made into a minicomic or zine.

The first day was when I got the MOST STUFF! I walked in through the doors, and the very first vendor I stumbled upon had so much CUTE STUFF that I wanted to buy it all! There was just so much creativity on display, and I loved every bit of it. Not only did I buy a lot of things, but I also did some trading! The zine I made actually paid off! I only printed 11 copies, but I was able to trade them all. Some booths participated in zine/card trading. One booth, which wasn’t part of the card trading, saw me holding the blue sheet of paper with the booth locations. She asked me what it was for, and I told her it was a list of all the tables that did trading. Then she offered to trade zines with me! For the most part, my enjoyment came from knowing someone was going to read my first zine. The joy was also in the process of making it and actually COMPLETING IT. Truly a feat for me.

One booth in particular had zines focused on dreams and precognition. I was so intrigued. I had to talk to the creator for a while and ask where I could listen to the content they follow about consciousness and similar topics, since I love things like dream analysis. Naturally, I bought their zine.

Second Day

The second day was shorter, but I brought a different friend, Ash, who had a good time walking around and buying some stuff I missed on the first day. Then I joined a workshop event, maybe 10-ish minutes late, to use mixed media to create a one-page comic! It was so relaxing to just get in the zone. I had eaten a big Indian lunch beforehand and drank some coffee to fight off the food coma, so I was super comfy and felt like I could rest my head. When it came to creating the mixed media comic, all the soft, calm neutral colors really spoke to me. I ended up drawing a comic about online relationships, showing how comfortable they can be but also somewhat sad.

Afterward, I went to a horror panel, but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, so I left a bit early to shop around a little more before leaving. I got so much stuff anyway, including resources to learn more about making comics and zines, so I felt like I had enough already. I met back up with Ash to carpool home.

these are all 100x100

Cathexis: History

Remember how I said that cathexis was a term first used by Sigmund Freud? I was wrong! — Kind of. Freud's work was originally done in German. The German word Freud used was 'Besetzung,' which, when translated through Google Translate, means 'occupation.' However, the word is extremely rich and can mean a lot of other things as well. It somewhat makes me think of saying, "XYZ lives rent-free in my mind," meaning my mind is occupied by something. When it was translated by James Strachey, the word 'Besetzung' didn’t have a perfect English equivalent to fully convey its meaning. The word 'cathexis' originates from Greek, and running it through Google Translate gives 'to sit,' which doesn’t seem quite right. However, according to the Wiktionary entry, it means "holding" and "retention." It also elaborates on how the word Besetzung is used in German.

Cathexis: Key Figures

Sigmund Freud was a highly influential figure with great appeal. The book The Art of Seduction mentions him and describes how he attracted people around him. Even after his death, Freud's appeal continues in the field of psychology. Here are a few people who made significant contributions...

Carl Jung: My Favorite to Mention

Having touched the alt-right pipeline with a 10-foot pole, I listened to Jordan Peterson, and like many people, I was extremely intrigued. I developed some cathexis toward his ideas, or rather his charisma. One person Peterson talked about heavily was Carl Jung. In Jung's translated collection of Essays on Dreams, Jung interpreted dreams and elaborated on how dreams reveal the state of our psyche or what our psyche is trying to tell us. I interpreted the reading as suggesting that our psyche can have a cathexis, which we may not even realize. In one case where Jung analyzed a man's dream, it revealed that the man had subconsciously pieced together that his wife might be committing infidelity. Regardless of whether his wife was actually cheating, his psyche had been considering this idea enough for it to manifest in his dreams. There is plenty more that Carl Jung talks about beyond dreams, but I felt this was a significant topic to mention.

Melanie Klein

Even though I have not read much of her work or biography, she is another important figure to mention. Like Jung, Klein had direct interactions with Freud. Listening to various psychology videos, I have heard references to her work. Her contributions were extremely significant because she was the first to apply psychoanalysis to children and developed innovative techniques. Her theoretical work is also fascinating and likely elaborates on the interaction between cathexis and other factors.

Other Later Influences

Donald Winnicott, John Bowlby, Harry Stack Sullivan

Cathexis : Definition and Why it is Important

Cathexis is a term first introduced by Sigmund Freud. Over time the definition evolved into a more conteporary definition. However, for prosperity and intrigue, I will start off with how Freud used the term.

Definition

Freud essentially said that Cathexis is where a person invests mental energy into a person, idea, or object. This is the concentration of psychic energy on specific objects and desires. The objects can be external (physical reality) or internal (inside the mind). He believed that cathexis was important because it is what helps the individual channel their energy into satisfying their desires or maintaining emotional connections.

Why It Is Important

How and where there is the investment of emotion heavily determines and influences the behaviors, interests, and lots of other aspects to a person. As a brisk and simple example of this, I've never really emotionally invested in woodworking, so there is not motivation or inspiration for me to do woodworking. I would have to be in a situation where I absolutely have to do woodworking. On the other hand, I do have a lot of cathexis for things like art and drawing. So I will be innately driven to pursue it, breathe it. I think about concepts and imagery like a movie all the time at work. All of my mental energy just goes there and it propels me to a point where I don't need to gain anything from doing it. There is so much pleasure and love in the activity itself.

The term still generally means the same as it does right now. However, I think it is likely terms like 'psychic energy' and 'libido' kind of removes the feeling of mysticism. When it is used now, it generally just means the emotional investment.

Brisk Life Updates

I met with my friend in the morning and my family in the afternoon. I updated this site's about me page to look a little bit better on mobile. I heavily used chatgpt to get this far, but if I want something much more custom,it is going to take more experience. Some site like appleDust is really amazingly cute! However, someone told me if I want to use my site for portfolio reasons I sould keep it a little simple. I wanna have everything.

Musings

There is a concept called Cathexis, which I am facinated by. Not only am I facinated by what it is, but also how it was interpreted historically. The more I read about psychology, the more I feel this almost mystical nature. When I read more or listen more about the more strictly scientific and tangible, such as lectures from Human Behavioral Biology, the more I learn that we don't know a lot. That human consciousness and God actually have so much in common. It can can be seen as eerie or mind melting in the best way. There are so many ideas I have and things I want to talk about but I don't know how to or where to start. I tried using chatgpt, and I found it useful to give me structure.

Structured Topic

P.S.

I keep going to sleep way too late... ): it's almost 3:26am. Maybe it's time to quit coffee.

Mentally I keep replaying conversations. Analyzing over and over again what was said. How it was said. Why it was said. I almost always feel that I missed something in conversations. I have to keep checking. It's so tiring. I wish I didn't have to waste energy on this. I wish I could just choose to not give a shit anymore.

I slept in. It was so serene. When I woke up and went to take care of the yard some... I found that the weather is so nice today... it's so cool and breezy. And I visited to very local pharmacy to be surprised I could've gotten some stuff there like shampoo etc. And picked up my dry cleaning (finally). I tell my boyfriend about my day and that I imagine being with him again when he comes back.

I went into a hardware store. I saw they stored all their Stanley cups behind the counter. I asked the cashier, "do you guys just keep all the Stanley cups there because someone tried stealing them?" Him, "-yes". "This one lady just took an arm full and walked out with them." Just as he was telling me about his manager recognized the thief from being a manager at game stop... he catches a glance of a woman walking past me and out the doors. It was her. He even knew her by name...

I buy all the stuff I needed from the hardware store. Then I return home and collect some grass for the compost. My first compost pile was actually warm! However, I don't think it was hot enough. So I'm starting a new one. I even got wood pallettes to keep it in place.

When I finally decide to go inside and rest infront of my computer, I talk with the art friends group. I talk more with Tadpole, which made me glad for her company. I worry about what she wants to do with her life sometimes, but she is still young. I heard the voice of Forever Prince. There is strange meloncoly I feel everytime, but I can at least be genuinely glad if he is content and happy. As if an angel that can watch over him from afar and hidden, is what I want to be.

I made a cinnamon herbal tea and used a honey lollipop to sweeten it. It was pretty good. However, I think it takes too much effort sometimes to make tea... or maybe I've just been lazy recently. I was hoping it would help me relax and make fix my headache. It hasn't gone away.

Then I go to chat in the Destiny server. Someone was talking about some very interesting things with me after I mention I might be 'shopping around' for religion again. He told me that the west does have a religion. He talked about concepts that I am somewhat familiar with such as Hermeticism, but I'm not sure I completely understand where he is coming from. However, he did mention about reality or our universe being God - think? Something I need to contemplate more on.

Somethings I need to do...

Add pictures from my zine into an art tab

Add pictures of my compost pile when I first made it

Create a music player

Make my About Me page more mobile friendly

Create my first Shrine

Updates I have made...

Messed with CSS and the About Me page... I hope it updates soon and I can see if the changes are good

Picked up my zine sample - it seems ok - I'll probably order more

Hidden/Unhidden some of my dragon eggs to slow down clicks and exposure

finally

I WASTED MY WHOLE HOLIDAY F*%$ING AROUND WITH SUNO... I COULD"VE GOTTEN MORE DONE.

AND NOW I WANNA GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF CREATING AN MP3 PLAYER ON MY WEBSITE TO POST MY AI MUSIC SLOP.

I HATE TIME JUST SLIPS THROUGH MY FINGERS LIKE NOTHING.

My friend told me that I actually have more time than I though for small press expo. Still, I'm hoping to shred through the pages and get them printed at like staples, which can get done in a few days. Because once I go back to work, my progress will slow again...

Updates to Website and Journal: Since I want to make this site a bit more public, I've removed the more personal journal entries. Most of it consists of me complaining or being melodramatic; you're not missing much haha... Also, I want to treat this like a linktree, connecting all my social medias, but I'm taking it slow to see what if Im comfortable with the direction of the website.

Happy Belated Birthday to an Online Friend : If I recall correctly, it was your Birthday in August. Happy birthday.

HTMX : I've heard of htmx recently and hope to give a shot soon. It's supposed to make html have more interactive elements, so it can subsitude javascrip supposedly.

Below is a picture of the most recent progress being made for the zine.

It took me 3 days to get 2.5 somewhat incomplete pages of my zine/comic.

Work was alright. I drove to campus to do my best to put up more flyers and posters for small press expo. I now just have the free day pass tickets left to pass out. I've completed my job, but I still feel like I needed to do something more... I think I'm being too hard on myself again.

Below is the third page of my manga/zine because I completed the second page and I don't want to just post the whole thing online just yet.

Phantom Thread was recommended to me by someone in the Destiny server after we were discussing mental health and how entertainment reflects society. I was still subscribed to Netflix, something I eventually want to get rid of, so I took the opportunity to watch it there. The movie had a slow pace, and I watched it while doing linework for my art. Unfortunately, I spoiled much of the plot for myself by reading some of it on Wikipedia before continuing to watch.

At first, I liked the character of Reynolds Woodcock and understood his appeal. He had a domineering personality, but it was part of his charm. He was also passionate about his work, hardworking, and had great taste. However, Alma began to feel as if she was in a straitjacket due to his rigidity. Reynolds was also in a straitjacket of his own, unable to let go.

For me, the movie's pacing was too slow. However, the characters and their dynamics were subtle but profound. In a way, I can relate to Reynolds. There are many things in my life that I find too hard to let go of. Even when there are things I desperately want, I hold on to what is holding me back. So, I can somewhat understand how Reynolds sees Alma. He loves her not because she makes his work better. Being free isn't about being better or more inspired—it's about being free, and that can be terrifying to some. You can desire something that terrifies you.

* edited with chatgpt

Here is my work so far for the zine

keeping an online Journal hasn't motivated me to write more. ive just been fucking around with html. earlier today i started to get a headache. I dont wannt sleep it off thoiught because i was stupid and ate a caffine chocolate. So dumb.

A song from one of my memories.

I was in the lab of the graduate students. My close colleague and friend sat accross from me on the table in the center of the room. He had probably smoked weed before going to the lab to work on the assignment with me. Even though I didn't smoke weed, we were both tired and sluggish. The room was very quiet and our assignment was so dry. One of us asked if we should play music. I went ahead and played the song above. I think at the time I was going through a realization in my personal life and relationship and resonated with the feeling or mood song, not necessarily the lyrics. The song was just too mellow he actually started to doze off into a nap.

I just finished playing Disco ELysium! Amazing! I love the characters and the world that was developed! I highly suggest playing it!

Plot plot is really something you cannot put down! My in real life art group told me that a novelist actually helped design the world! No wonder it feels so amazing and the characters were so lucid, gritty, and human!

Maybe I should write a review on the game, but Im so please with it! Actually - now that I mention it - the game does have bugs here and there. Uninstalling and reinstalling fixed some of the big ones. One bugs I just avoided such as interacting with a bed to take a nap. Otherwise, the game is absolutely beautiful. I really hope another one comes out. However, I believe I can get more play throughs from the game by choosing a different character strength in the beginning.

Flyers/Posters: I went to pick up posters for the Small Press Expo, and I’ve already managed to hand out some flyers and posters to a few shops! I'm pretty excited about it! It feels great to volunteer for small creators and creatives. I also got a free day pass, which is even cooler, but I didn’t know I would get one for volunteering.

Earlier in the Day - Thoughts: In addition to complaining about low energy and not sleeping on time, I’ve been working on developing a manga and a zine. The manga will be a psychological sci-fi story. The inspiration came from a somewhat recent experience with a group of online friends, particularly one person, who I might come up with a pseudonym for. I’ve already written a very rough draft, and I want to post pictures of it because if it turns into something, I want to see the progress and how far I’ve come.

As for the zine, I want it to be pretty but really short, maybe 8-9 pages at most. This idea came to me randomly as my mind wandered while at work. Since it’s so short, I’ve made more progress on it than on the manga. I’ve already drawn thumbnails for the panels and arranged how I want them to look on the pages. I want to get feedback from my art friends, but to make it easier, I'm going to need to copy and paste the thumbnails into the panel slots to see the flow. I’ll take pictures of that progress as well (I guess after I figure out how to add pictures to my site).

About my website: The thought occurred to me to just keep posting journal entries for a while. Then in the future, I can better see what my main focus and recurring interests are so that I can shape my website around that. I can see myself spending time adding features that I may never use or quickly lose interest in, so for now, I’ll just focus on making journal entries to start off. It’s kind of hard, though, to focus on just one thing because so many shiny new things and ideas call to me.

*This is the first blog I asked chatgpt to make grammar fixes for me

The horrible Spotted LanternFly. Life already feels hard. Now I have to worry about this. I have tree of heaven in my yard that popped up recently and only the small amount of progress I made has been painful.

It already past midnight again. I just keep spiraling. Taking the idea from an ex-friend I had, I was using chatgpt to solve my problems. I didnt get very far.